Sunday, August 11, 2013

Broken

“Why don’t you save my contact to your phonebook? Why did you delete me on your BBM and told me that your phone’s broken?”


here’s the story,
when I was young, I saw my perfect world of me. I planned to dedicated my true love to the one who deserved it. I wanted strong romantic true story that I’d be the one who gives my heart just to the special one and only. I, the idealistic young man, would never tie my ship to the random harbour.

I even swore to myself, that, I’d never want to be the man who had second place in someone else heart. Young and perfectly believed that I wasn’t prince charming who could charm beautiful princess, but I used to believe and know that I had strong confidence, strong character that I’d find someone special to me who would me my world perfect and again, had great love story, happily ever after.

What was that, you asked me what?

“Why don’t you save my contact to your phonebook? Why did you delete me on your BBM and told me that your phone’s broken?”

I just smile at you. Why would I? how could I? what should I?

But you know what? I have bunch of dramas here. I want to tell you one, but It’d sound begging. I hate begging. So I write it to my iMac.

My dearest love,

I can’t save your number because everytime I text you, I’ll wait just like an idiot and it makes me worried that I cant control my self to text you some stupid things and the end with a begging thing (which I hate it).

Friend with you on BBM’d make me like an idiot to see you display your picture with your lover, your husband.

I know you are belonged to somebody, not me. I know we have the rule, what you say it? Ah, no strings attached.

I know I’m becoming unreasonable, stupid and unrealistic. I feel the way you treat me  just like a trash, like a plastic bag. I feel you’re just playing me. I’m just your toy, whenever you feel lonely or you’re bored with your lover, you come to me and smile. Knocking my door and you know I cant hold it and always open my door to you, even on my busiest day, on my very tiring situation. And the funny thing is, I never blame you, your smile’s just like a magic, kills my head, blinds my eyes. The guilty feeling is always on me, not you. I take the blame.

This is the moment, when I know how to love someone without my brain on it.
We have nothing in common, you always put sex interest first (while I think that love comes first before sex), we don’t even have some religion.

I should hate you as much I hate someone who plays someone else heart, but I cant.

Why I cant save your number? Delete your bbm contact?

That’s my method, when I want to control my heart, I’ll step back, cool, and quit, leave it those feeling alone, trying to reading books, watching movies, do activities things. I never fight back my desire of love. No one teaches me how to do that. So I never fight back, never said any word, just running and hiding. I did that long time ago to the woman that I thought the one and only made me happy in my life (I regret it till today, I should have fight for her).

I dunno if I want to fight for your love, I doubt that you have true love in your heart considering what you did to the people that loved you. But my stupid lame heart wants to say, “you always have room in here everytime you want to come in”

I’m not THAT bad, I can find someone who nicer, greater than you, but I just cant let you go because I’m just an idiot, no brain man.

Realizing that I’m not great person, not idealic person. I’m just dirty-whore, lonely, begging to love. I’m not even 30 and life already breaks me down. I took the high road when I was 16 but I never thought it’d lead me to this way. Life’s bitch, unfair, unpredictable.

And it brings us to the closing story, with quote which was well-said by the older veteran man that I met him long time ago, “Nak, you maybe reach things that you want it but love, you have no luck in love”

But it’s me, I have loudly words, “Everything gonna be all right, all hard things today, I gonna pass it in the next morning. I’m standing still”

That’s my big plan. The only plan.

-jis



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